I thought the new Jonas Brothers album, Lines, Vines, and Trying Times might be a good start.

Track 1. World War III

For a track about “World War” it’s pretty upbeat. Lyrics are pure poop. I wonder what instruments they’re actually playing, and what’s actually being played by the backing band. The overall quality of the lyrics are seriously downgraded because the target audience is between the ages 9 and 12.

Spoiler Alert:
If World War III is a battle between The Jonas Brothers and their Girlfriend… then God help us all.

Track 2. Paranoid

Look out everybody, Joe is freaking out. I’d be paranoid if there was nine year olds who would chase me down to try and kiss me. “Can someone stop the noise?”, unfortunately not yet… I’ve got 10 more tracks of punishment.

Track 3. Fly with Me

Fly with Me? The disney references in the song are BEYOND OBVIOUS. Anything resembling talent in this song, ie piano & violin, were played by professional musicians. Starting to notice that every song has the same structure.

Track 4. Poison Ivy

Poison Ivy has to be the worst song I’ve heard yet. Super super super super repetitive. The phrase “Poison Ivy” is mentioned 20 times.

Not to mention the song is confusing as heck.

First they spend half the song singing
“Everyone’s allergic to poison ivy” over and over and over.
Then they switch it up at the end
“Everybody needs a little poison ivy”

But you just… said..

“Gimme some poison, baby!”

Track 5. Hey Baby (feat. Johnny Lang)

This song actually has someone with TALENT, Johnny Lang! Too bad the brothers sing over him so you can’t hardly hear him.

Track 6. Before the Storm (feat. Miley Cyrus)

<sarcasm>Wonderful. As if there wasn’t enough talent in the “greatest pop group of all time” that this song also has Miley Cyrus.</sarcasm> I think my head just might explode, but not before my ears bleed me to death (not the good bleed either).

This song sounds so tender, which makes it like a knockoff Rascal Flatts song. Is it just me or are Jonas Brothers songs using clichés in their lyrics and song titles?

Here’s something sad, in my head I just decided that Miley Cyrus is way too talented to be hanging around the Jonas Brothers. Eeehhhhk.

I wish this song would pick up the pace and end.

“Standin’ out in the rain,
Knowin’ that it’s really over.
Please don’t leave me alone. ”

Please leave me alone!

Track 7. What Did I Do to Your Heart

Over halfway now, I think I’m in the country half now… This song sounds like bluegrass fused with Rascal Flatts.

I’m not a fan of Rascal Flatts, but I feel bad that talentless disney do-nothings with infinite promotional money can just swoop in and steal their sound.

Track 8. Much Better

Much better? Not yet. The opening sounded like the start of a 1980′s adult contemporary pop song. The Jonas Brothers are regressing. And what’s up with all the crappy synth all of a sudden? There is barely any performed instruments on the track, which means that this would be lots of dancing onstage for a live show, oh boy.

Oh, and watch out for the random Saxophone & Guitar solo that does NOT belong anywhere in the song, nor match the flow and feel of any song.

Track 9. Black Keys

I can’t quite put my finger on who THIS SONG is emulating, but after 30 seconds you quickly see that The Jonas Brothers are literally TRYING TO SOUND LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

Track 10. Don’t Charge Me for the Crime (feat. Common)

Okay, so Common is in this song. I dig that. But you have to bring in a B-List rapper to rap in a song about crime? Racist much? The song has Joe Jonas singing about how he doesn’t want to be charged for the crime that he committed.

I’m thinking of submitting a amicus curiae brief to the court, because music this bad needs to be the crime.

Gosh. What I said earlier about the worst song on the album…. it’s this song.

The lyrics are word-vomit. The music is terrible. Just bad.

Track 11. Turn Right

The whine of Joe Jonas’s voice is probably my least favorite sound now. The lyrics aren’t too bad, but I’m having a hard time understanding them because of how whiney the voices are.

Track 12. Don’t Speak

Last track, and again it has professional musicians playing better than the brothers ever could. This is another song about another failed relationship between the brothers and a girlfriend. Not the worst track of the album, but still torture enough that four minutes was way too long for.

Overall…

Trash. This is what critics have been saying for years, that one day a band would be created for the sole purpose of making money. The Jonas Brothers do not contribute anything positive to the future of music or creativity. I understand that there is a need for popular music geared at a younger crowd that is not only safe for them to listen to, but also relevant to them… but this just feels to me like patronizing. When I have kids and they want to listen to some “rockin’ good stuff”, they’ll be air-guitaring it up to some Boston and Electric Light Orchestra with me like I did with my Dad.

To slap a number on it…

I give Lines, Vines, and Trying Times a 0.5 out of 5 in terms of quality
And a 10 out of 10 in terms of crap. Ω