Torture Review: Jonas Brothers – Lines, Vines, and Trying Times

Posted: June 16th, 2009 | Author: Cody | Filed under: Album Reviews, Articles About Music | Tags: common, johnny lang, jonas brothers, miley cyrus, rascal flatts | 17 Comments »

Lines,Vines and Trying Times So now that it’s summer, I have more freetime on my hands. So why not take this wonderful relaxing period to review some albums?

I thought the new Jonas Brothers album, Lines, Vines, and Trying Times might be a good start.

Track 1. World War III

For a track about “World War” it’s pretty upbeat. Lyrics are pure poop. I wonder what instruments they’re actually playing, and what’s actually being played by the backing band. The overall quality of the lyrics are seriously downgraded because the target audience is between the ages 9 and 12.

Spoiler Alert:
If World War III is a battle between The Jonas Brothers and their Girlfriend… then God help us all.

Track 2. Paranoid

Look out everybody, Joe is freaking out. I’d be paranoid if there was nine year olds who would chase me down to try and kiss me. “Can someone stop the noise?”, unfortunately not yet… I’ve got 10 more tracks of punishment.

Track 3. Fly with Me

Fly with Me? The disney references in the song are BEYOND OBVIOUS. Anything resembling talent in this song, ie piano & violin, were played by professional musicians. Starting to notice that every song has the same structure.

Track 4. Poison Ivy

Poison Ivy has to be the worst song I’ve heard yet. Super super super super repetitive. The phrase “Poison Ivy” is mentioned 20 times.

Not to mention the song is confusing as heck.

First they spend half the song singing
“Everyone’s allergic to poison ivy” over and over and over.
Then they switch it up at the end
“Everybody needs a little poison ivy”

But you just… said..

“Gimme some poison, baby!”

Track 5. Hey Baby (feat. Johnny Lang)

This song actually has someone with TALENT, Johnny Lang! Too bad the brothers sing over him so you can’t hardly hear him.

Track 6. Before the Storm (feat. Miley Cyrus)

<sarcasm>Wonderful. As if there wasn’t enough talent in the “greatest pop group of all time” that this song also has Miley Cyrus.</sarcasm> I think my head just might explode, but not before my ears bleed me to death (not the good bleed either).

This song sounds so tender, which makes it like a knockoff Rascal Flatts song. Is it just me or are Jonas Brothers songs using clichés in their lyrics and song titles?

Here’s something sad, in my head I just decided that Miley Cyrus is way too talented to be hanging around the Jonas Brothers. Eeehhhhk.

I wish this song would pick up the pace and end.

“Standin’ out in the rain,
Knowin’ that it’s really over.
Please don’t leave me alone. ”

Please leave me alone!

Track 7. What Did I Do to Your Heart

Over halfway now, I think I’m in the country half now… This song sounds like bluegrass fused with Rascal Flatts.

I’m not a fan of Rascal Flatts, but I feel bad that talentless disney do-nothings with infinite promotional money can just swoop in and steal their sound.

Track 8. Much Better

Much better? Not yet. The opening sounded like the start of a 1980′s adult contemporary pop song. The Jonas Brothers are regressing. And what’s up with all the crappy synth all of a sudden? There is barely any performed instruments on the track, which means that this would be lots of dancing onstage for a live show, oh boy.

Oh, and watch out for the random Saxophone & Guitar solo that does NOT belong anywhere in the song, nor match the flow and feel of any song.

Track 9. Black Keys

I can’t quite put my finger on who THIS SONG is emulating, but after 30 seconds you quickly see that The Jonas Brothers are literally TRYING TO SOUND LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

Track 10. Don’t Charge Me for the Crime (feat. Common)

Okay, so Common is in this song. I dig that. But you have to bring in a B-List rapper to rap in a song about crime? Racist much? The song has Joe Jonas singing about how he doesn’t want to be charged for the crime that he committed.

I’m thinking of submitting a amicus curiae brief to the court, because music this bad needs to be the crime.

Gosh. What I said earlier about the worst song on the album…. it’s this song.

The lyrics are word-vomit. The music is terrible. Just bad.

Track 11. Turn Right

The whine of Joe Jonas’s voice is probably my least favorite sound now. The lyrics aren’t too bad, but I’m having a hard time understanding them because of how whiney the voices are.

Track 12. Don’t Speak

Last track, and again it has professional musicians playing better than the brothers ever could. This is another song about another failed relationship between the brothers and a girlfriend. Not the worst track of the album, but still torture enough that four minutes was way too long for.

Overall…

Trash. This is what critics have been saying for years, that one day a band would be created for the sole purpose of making money. The Jonas Brothers do not contribute anything positive to the future of music or creativity. I understand that there is a need for popular music geared at a younger crowd that is not only safe for them to listen to, but also relevant to them… but this just feels to me like patronizing. When I have kids and they want to listen to some “rockin’ good stuff”, they’ll be air-guitaring it up to some Boston and Electric Light Orchestra with me like I did with my Dad.

To slap a number on it…

I give Lines, Vines, and Trying Times a 0.5 out of 5 in terms of quality
And a 10 out of 10 in terms of crap. Ω

1 Josh said at 1:41 am on June 17th, 2009:
After reading a review this bad, I decided that for the good of science I would subject myself to an ill-advised listen of this album.

My opinion of this album contains language so bad that I won’t even post it on facebook.

To sum it up in the cleanest language I can muster, this album is worse than AIDS. Even that is being polite. Those aren’t even my own words, I had to steal that comparison from Bubba…. Read More

This is the “Wolverine” of music for the Summer of 09.

And I didn’t realize it til I heard it on the album, but “Fly with Me” is on the credits on Night at the Museum 2 and I have to listen to that awful “song” on a daily basis.

Also, Joe Jonas should see a doctor. He sounds like he is in the worst stage of constipation when he is singing.

I hate this. Hate. Hate. Hate.
2 Sara said at 4:00 am on June 17th, 2009:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjbbMu0TqLI

PLEASE don’t say that the jonas brothers can’t play any instruments. listen to kevin’s guitar solo. and nick on the drums – delish. you’re being waaay too hater-ish, just please listen to it, ok?
3 Loo said at 8:58 am on June 17th, 2009:
Yeah this is pretty irrational and uninformed. Note to wannabe “critics”…if your trash talk is completely in the gutter it will become a TAD too obvious that you never came to the plate with any objectivity and render your opinion totally worthless. But whatever makes you feel better about your unexceptional life in comparison with their accomplished one – go for it!
4 Cody said at 12:28 pm on June 17th, 2009:
I stand behind my words. I expected backlash from fans.
5 Anonymous said at 6:50 pm on June 17th, 2009:
I’m a huge JoBros fan but have to agree that this is by a mile their worst album. I loved their previous two albums, but this one is a total let-down. Very, very sad…
6 Ginger said at 7:11 pm on June 17th, 2009:
It’s more than obvious that you approached this review with a solidly intact pre-conceived bias that nothing would have budged. That said, before I continue, I want to make it clear that I am not a child. I am old enough to be the Jonas Brother’s mother, yet I am a fan of their music. They are very talented young men, and the fact that they have an affiliation with Disney unfortunately puts people off before even giving them a chance. All three guys are multi-instrumentalists, and while I can see that your bias prevents you from believing that, the fact remains that they do write and perform their own music. Maybe these three guys are a threat to your cynicism. Maybe you’re just jealous that they’ve accomplished more so far in their lives than you ever will if you live to be 120. Maybe you’re just an asshole. Probably all three apply. Either way, it doesn’t matter. While I’ll admit that Nick Jonas’ voice is a somewhat whiny at times (you criticized the wrong brother), I doubt that he’s losing sleep over your comment considering that he was a Grammy nominee at the ripe old age of 16. I’ve read many reviews of this album in the last few days. The vast majority of professional reviewers had many good things to say. In a few cases, the ones that didn’t care for the album overall still found some positives, even if at the same time they had to admit that it was killing them to have to be honest. Most, however, were very impressed, and could admit that they were wrong. You don’t fall into the “professional” category by any stretch of the imagination. If they were really as bad as you say, they would have never earned the respect and admiration of some of the most talented musicians in the industry. Like it or not, these guys are here to stay. Your career, however, might be in jeaprody.
7 Cody said at 7:42 pm on June 17th, 2009:
Thanks for your input. Considering our blog’s influnce is minor, we’re not really concerned if we anger a bunch of Jonas fans.
8 Josh said at 1:32 am on June 18th, 2009:
lolz.

loving that this review is being written off as jealousy.

JoBros fans only argue semantics and nonreasons from what I’ve gathered.

I give the band no more than 5 years to start disappearing into obscurity.
9 Kered said at 1:34 am on June 18th, 2009:
I was pretty shocked to see that Common was doing a track with them.. but it isn’t as bad as Tinted Windows.. What has the world of music come to?
10 see ya cassieopeia said at 10:36 am on June 19th, 2009:
I heard the JoBros perform ‘Poison Ivy’ last week. It made me want to punch babies!!! Just plain awful!!!
11 Justin said at 7:00 pm on June 20th, 2009:
Ginger,

I am curious how you found this site? Was it by searching for “Jonas Brothers album reviews that are going to make me mad?” Judging by your comment, it appears you found it!

First, let me say a couple things that will hopefully get other readers thinking:

You accused him of “approaching this review with a solidly intact pre-conceived bias that nothing would have budged.” It seems based on your comment you did the same thing: you thought the album was going to be awesome and it didn’t matter what they were singing about, you were going to love it. What’s confusing, however, is why you have read so many reviews of the album? When I read a review it is to get a sampling of what I might hear, and depending on the review I may or may not check it out. Clearly you have heard the album and love it, so why bother reading reviews? Is it to validate your opinion? The purpose of this review was to warn listeners against wasting their money on something the writer didn’t feel of value. But he didn’t just leave it to his own opinion, he provided some samples of the songs so the person could read his review while listening and decide for themselves (as you did) if their opinion matched up with the writer. If it didn’t, then great! They still were able to hear the songs (something I am positive the Jonas Brothers would appreciate) and then go purchase the album.

Second, I am sure Cody appreciates that his job is in jeopardy as a result of a negative review of an album. Ironically, however, is the fact that this post, despite being less than a week old, is already in the popular posts of the month, and generated more comments than any other post.

Finally, the whole point of this site is to offer suggestions and samples of music so the reader/listener can make educated decisions on the music they will spend their money on. If you don’t like what we suggest, then don’t buy it. If you do like what we suggest, then congratulations! We have just made your ears bleed and that is good.
12 jilly said at 12:44 am on June 21st, 2009:
You are an arsehole who obviously had his mind made up to shit on this CD before even listening to it. You’re an amateur and should stick to flipping burgers.
13 Andy said at 2:07 pm on June 27th, 2009:
LoLz man!Your embarrassing yourself the Jonas Brothers are awesome singers
14 Kenny said at 8:00 pm on July 2nd, 2009:
I could careless about this album. I just find it amusing that you would call Common a B-List rapper. That is the funniest thing in the entire review. Have you listened to any of his music? I would go on the record and say that he is far above B list. Just because he isn’t played on the radio all the time doesn’t mean he isn’t a great rapper.
15 Bella said at 6:10 pm on July 12th, 2009:
This is the saddest review I’ve ever read. I do agree with Ginger in that you obviously already had a negative opinion of the Jonas Brothers and you were not objective as a reviewer should be (however, I do not agree with Ginger’s idea that you are jealous). Just look at your description of the band – “Disney do-nothings” – did you know that their first album had absolutely no connection to Disney? I do feel that you wrote this review with the intent to rip them to shreds. You were going to hate the album no matter what came out of the speakers. It’s fine to have your opinion, you can like or dislike whoever you want, but it’s a bit ridiculous to post such a slanted review.
16 John said at 6:54 pm on July 15th, 2009:
Being a guy I have always stood up for the jonas brothers, I thought their music wasnt as bad as people thought. They started off young and could rock out with songs like Mandy,6 minutes, Underdog. But when they came up with this bull crap cd lines, vines and trying times I cant back them up much more. It was HORRIBLE.

They are way too old to be writing these disney songs. I was expecting for them to mature in making real music with less disney and more real instruments/ singing.

HUGE LET DOWN
17 steph said at 12:03 am on July 17th, 2009:
I also agree that this review was born out of pre concieved hatred.the jonas brothers aren’t my favorite,but I gave them a chance,and listened to them as music should be listened to- to extract emotion from you.I found it did just that,and I was pleasantly surprised. Obviously,you don’t listen to music that way,because you can’t even understand a metaphor. “Poison ivy” is about something that hurts you but you can’t stay away from.For example,a cheating boyfriend or girlfriend that your in love with but they tend to drive you crazy.I wouldn’t call myself a “huge fan” but i do respect them and think they deserve a lot more credit for the music they make.they are some of the only people in the world that have some self respect.